Hi, My name’s X, and I’m an alcoholic.
I started to write this post before I went to a meeting- but just now returning from the meeting, my perspective has changed; as it usually does. Living life on life’s terms, without being driven by ego and selfishness is a seemingly insurmountable task.Before the meeting, I was grumpy, and anxious. I have bills I don’t know how I’ll pay, things I simply don’t know how to do, and a schedule that is packed enough to drive even the most Type-A personality to drink. All this chaos swirling around in my brain is enough to give me a panic attack of epic proportions…but one of my main problems, is that I think my problems are special. . . but they’re not. They’re just garden variety problems, just like everyone else in life faces.
Today is day 124 without a drink touching my lips…if you know anything about my history (and if you read this blog, you do), then you will know what a miracle in an of itself that is. But it’s so much more than that. It’s only been 4 months. But let’s take stock of the things in my life that have changed in such a short period of time: I’ve ended an unhealthy 5 year co-dependent relationship. I’ve bought a new car. I’ve taken up my classes to work towards a higher credential at work. I’ve moved to a new location for my job and taken on more responsibility. I’ve invested in flute lessons for the eldest mini-me. I’ve bought a pair a professional dog trimmers, and given my pouches a semi-decent looking haircut. I’ve committed to growing my hair out. I’ve given up smoking, and switched to vaping. I’ve KonMaried my house from top to bottom, for goodness sakes. I may, (hopefully) be moving into a new house.
On a more personal level, I’ve been there for my children more. Yes, I’ve been snappy, and I’ve had my hard days, and I’ve had to apologize FAR MORE often than I’d like… But I’m also here all the time now, instead of arguing with a man about why I should be important enough to invest in a real future with. I’ve kissed boo-boos, and read stories-I’ve made flash cards, and cooked dinner. I’ve packed lunch, every. single. day. I’m here. I’m right here in the middle of this life that’s happening to me, and it’s a miracle, and a beautiful sight to behold.
I have no idea what the future holds. And I don’t need to. All I need to do is trust the process that is happening, and watch the beauty of it all as it unfolds. That’s sooo much easier said than done, my friends. I know you know this. I know this, too. But the knowing, and the doing are worlds apart. So for today, I’m going to forgive those who’ve wronged me…and know that I too deserve forgiveness. I’m going to try to remember that no matter how great I may become, or how horribly I may falter, that the best any of us can aspire to be is only human. I’ll sleep well, knowing I’ve done my best for today…and I’ll be grateful that I have a new set of glasses with which to view the world.