Four years is a long time. One thousand, four hundred and sixty days. Okay, I’m being dramatic; it won’t be quite four years for another month….you get my gist.

Whenever we met: FIREWORKS. I thought the initial high of being in love would never end….it was well over a year and a half before it did. But it did, and slowly, lust was replaced by comfort, and hot scenes traded in for Netflix binges under the covers.

Over the past year or more, things have deteriorated. Sex turned to talking, talking turned to fighting, fighting turned into crying and breaking up, followed by making up. We have repeated this pattern almost every month for the past year.

Slowly but surely, the collar that I once touched for security and strength became the albatross around my neck. It literally felt like it was suffocating me whenever the anxiety of my precarious relationship sent me into panic attacks or deep depression.

I didn’t want the power exchange. I didn’t feel like I was exchanging anything so much as he was taking it and dangling it just out of reach.

I felt cheated, slighted, jaded, and numb.

For the past few months, it’s really gone down hill. We didn’t talk for over a week while he was on a business trip…I hardly noticed. We couldn’t be in the same room for better than 15 minutes without an argument ensuing.

It came to a head over and over…and over again. We’ve called it quits three times this past week. Three! He wants to work it out…..I am trying, God knows I’m trying……but love can only take you so far. The communication, the trust, the sex….the bedrocks of our relationship are all in serious jeopardy.

I’m not even cautiously optimistic….just cautious.

I have no idea what things will look like moving forward. I’ve committed to giving him time to fix the things that need fixing…beyond that, the future is unclear. I do know that as I move forward, with or without him, that I will always be grateful for the person he helped me grow into being. I wish I had some more cheery news, or a steamy story to share with you all…but I simply don’t. I am lost, and spinning….trying to find a corner to hold on to for dear life…..